i am so mad

I am so mad.

I have watched several people that I love in tears over the past few months.  Feeling like they are tossed aside.  They’ve asked me to not say anything and that is so hard!  I love these people.  They have inspired me.  They have brought me to tears in worship watching their hearts as they praise God.  They have called me higher in my own worship.  I feel like God isn’t protecting them.  I feel like no one who should be overseeing things care.

I did something.  It was juvenile.  My heart is broken not because of what I did, which was trivial but still an act of rage, sin, and won’t change the situations for my brothers and sisters in Christ.  To see the tears, my heart is broken and I want to shout.  I want to pound my fists for them.  But I can’t shout at the person I want to shout at.

I’ve been in tears today.  So mad.  My heart wrenched inside me pleading with God to intervene.

Is the person I’m mad at someone anointed by God?  I don’t know.  I know that I have said that I wouldn’t say anything.  I know it’s not my place to say anything.

My prayer today is for them, those who are hurting.

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Psalm 81:1-2, 16  Sing for joy to God our strength; out aloud to the God of Jacob!  Begin the music, strike the tambourine, play the melodious harp and lyre….But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.


John 20 (HCSB)

The Empty Tomb
On the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came to the tomb early, while it was still dark. She saw that the stone had been removed from the tomb. So she ran to Simon Peter and to the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said to them, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put Him! ”
At that, Peter and the other disciple went out, heading for the tomb. The two were running together, but the other disciple outran Peter and got to the tomb first. Stooping down, he saw the linen cloths lying there, yet he did not go in. Then, following him, Simon Peter came also. He entered the tomb and saw the linen cloths lying there. The wrapping that had been on His head was not lying with the linen cloths but was folded up in a separate place by itself. The other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, then entered the tomb, saw, and believed. 9For they still did not understand the Scripture that He must rise from the dead. Then the disciples went home again.
Mary Magdalene Sees the Risen Lord
But Mary stood outside facing the tomb, crying. As she was crying, she stooped to look into the tomb. She saw two angels in white sitting there, one at the head and one at the feet, where Jesus’ body had been lying. They said to her, “Woman, why are you crying? ”
“Because they’ve taken away my Lord,” she told them, “and I don’t know where they’ve put Him.” Having said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, though she did not know it was Jesus.
“Woman,” Jesus said to her, “why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for? ”
Supposing He was the gardener, she replied, “Sir, if you’ve removed Him, tell me where you’ve put Him, and I will take Him away.”
Jesus said, “Mary.” Turning around, she said to Him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” — which means “Teacher.”
“Don’t cling to Me,” Jesus told her, “for I have not yet ascended to the Father. But go to My brothers and tell them that I am ascending to My Father and your Father — to My God and your God.”
Mary Magdalene went and announced to the disciples, “I have seen the Lord! ” And she told them what He had said to her.
The Disciples Commissioned
In the evening of that first day of the week, the disciples were gathered together with the doors locked because of their fear of the Jews. Then Jesus came, stood among them, and said to them, “Peace to you! ”
Having said this, He showed them His hands and His side. So the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.
Jesus said to them again, “Peace to you! As the Father has sent Me, I also send you.” After saying this, He breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”
Thomas Sees and Believes
But one of the Twelve, Thomas (called “Twin”), was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples kept telling him, “We have seen the Lord! ”
But he said to them, “If I don’t see the mark of the nails in His hands, put my finger into the mark of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will never believe! ”
After eight days His disciples were indoors again, and Thomas was with them. Even though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them. He said, “Peace to you!”
Then He said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and observe My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Don’t be an unbeliever, but a believer.”
Thomas responded to Him, “My Lord and my God! ”
Jesus said, “Because you have seen Me, you have believed. Those who believe without seeing are blessed.”
The Purpose of This Gospel
Jesus performed many other signs in the presence of His disciples that are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may believe Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and by believing you may have life in His name.

God’s best

Psalm 42:11  Why, my soul, are you downcast?   Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I know the scriptures that tell me God has a plan for me, God determines the steps of everyone, God is in control.  But my heart still gets sad, downcast.  I have to remind myself  that God has me, my family, all the time.

My dear husband has been looking for a new job this year and it looks like he’s going to be making some final decisions soon.  That has brought a lot of uncertainty in our family.

Our three boys are looking at leaving friends, I’ve got such a great group of girlfriends that I meet with and talk with a lot!  Moving from one side of the country to the other side is going to be a HUGE change.   HUGE!  The boys and I love where we live.  We love our friends.  We love our church.

The kids and I aren’t excited.  I keep reminding myself that I don’t want to settle for anything less than God’s best.  God’s best for me and my children.  My heart still gets downcast, sad.


I know this move isn’t going to happen for about 2 to 3 months but it still has us feeling uneasy, feeling unsure, maybe even a little scared.  This is where I really have to put this scripture into practice.  My hope needs to be in God, not where I live.  I need to praise God where I am and where He is taking us.  If I don’t I could allow my soul to remain sad.  No.  That’s not good.  What is good is to put my hope in my God, my Savior and know that His best is what I am going for.  That is what I will show my children.

Thessalonians’ Faith

Reading through the first chapter of Thessalonians I think about how much this letter may have meant to this church.
I wasn’t raised as a Christian.  I pretty much raised myself.  I was emancipated at 14.  On my own.  When I first became a mom I questioned all of my thoughts and decisions.  Sometimes I felt so easily influenced and so easily frustrated.  I didn’t have answers and sometimes I didn’t even know the questions to ask.
Feeling alone, persecuted.  I imagine them asking some of the things I ask myself.  Why does it have to be so hard.  Just wishing that I had answers.  Second guessing myself, should I had said something, did I say too much, did I bring glory to God?  Was I doing the right thing.
The letter came at just the right time for this church.  A letter of encouragement to let them know they were not forgotten and Paul was excited for them and kept them in his prayers.
I think about myself as well.  At just the right time He as sent encouragement.  Sometimes I see it and sometimes God has to make me stop and look for it.  I’m glad though.  I couldn’t walk as a Christian without Him, without the people He places in my life to let me know that He has come into my life with power and my faith is based on the same hope that the Thessalonians’ faith was based on.  Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Thanksgiving for the Thessalonians’ Faith 
1:2-4  We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.  For we know, brothers and sisters loved by God, that He has chosen you.
I’m praying for you today.  Please pray for me as well.


Jude 1:20-21 But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.

I always say that I want my sons to grow up strong and independent and they are well on their way.  They like to do things for themselves and they have their own opinions.  They are even beginning to develop their own faith.

When I came across this scripture I wonder if I have my own thinking right.  In the Message version it say “In this way, you will keep yourselves safe in God’s love”.

I think of my role as their mom and I take my job serious that I keep them safe.  At their ages they are still dependent upon me and my wisdom.  As they grow they will learn and begin to make choices based on what I have taught them.

This makes me think seriously about this scripture.   Should I be teaching them to be independent or should I teach them to transfer their dependence on me to becoming dependent upon God.  Building them up in their faith.


2 Samuel 19:13 And say to Amasa, ‘Are you not my own flesh and blood? May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if you are not the commander of my army for life in place of Joab.’

Slowly reading through the reign of David has left me feeling like I’m watching a Reality TV show!  He’s a shepherd, he’s a warrior, he’s a soldier, he’s running for his life, he’s king, he’s not king, his family is running amok, he’s partial king, he’s king again, who can he trust?!

Joab is just part of David’s story but he’s a person of interest.  He’s someone that David needs to keep his eye on.  At first I’m thinking that Joab is really looking after David’s interest when he came to David and told him to get his act together.  Yes this is exactly what David needed to hear but I didn’t take a closer look at Joab’s heart until now.

David recognized that Joab was right.  He needed to get up and be king. But David also saw that Joab’s heart had changed towards him and that he needed to move someone else into the position of trust.  David had to be able to trust his commander.  Joab’s heart was to be in a position where he felt that he was first.  And being in a position of being first can cause a person to become abusive towards others or themselves.  It reminded me of a scripture in 3 John 9-10.

Just recently God had kept gently pushing me to slow down.  Trying to teach me that I didn’t need to live in a constant state of multi-tasking.  Heart palpitations and breathe is causing me to slow down and realize that I wasn’t letting go of my schedule because I didn’t want to be seen as less than committed.  I didn’t want to be seen weak.  I imagine that Joab didn’t want to be seen as being weak, less than committed to others if he obeyed David’s orders.  Just like Joab I want to be seen as strong, in control and capable.  Thankfully my heart is in great shape but I still need to make changes.

God is teaching me that not being involved in everything doesn’t mean I’m not committed.  It means I will be present in what I am involved in.  God is teaching me that when I say no to some things means that I can be my best in what I say yes to.  God is also teaching me that somethings are more important than what I think they are.

By doing only what God has planned for me gives me so much satisfaction that I know that God can trust me and I can trust that God has me right where I need to be.